American Chopper: The Heir of Voldemort
by Michelangelo Cornholio
Summary: The OCC crew builds a bike for everyone's favourite British fugitive, wackiness ensues. An Idea so bizarre, it had to be written.
1. Summary

A/N: This is a crossover between Harry Potter and the show American Chopper that's on the Discovery Channel. It takes place between 'Goblet of Fire' and 'Order of the Phoenix' in the Harry Potter universe and at some point after the Comanche bike on American Chopper. When the name is like this Paul Jr.-- means that the person is talking to the camera or voice over. _Italics_ _describe things such as action and scenery.  
_  
Narrator-- This time on American Chopper: The O.C.C. crew throws down the gauntlet on a  
unique magically themed bike.  
  
Vinnie-- I'm not sure this 'magic bike' is doable.  
  
Narrator-- But forces beyond the Teutul's control put hamper on the progress,  
  
Paul Sr.: Go take care of business Vin.  
  
Narrator-- an intruder threatens to throw a wrench in the works,  
  
Lucius Malfoy: I'm looking for Vincent DiMartino.  
  
Narrator-- and an unexpected trip to England reveals a hidden truth about Vinnie.  
  
Paul Jr.: Vinnie! Why didn't you tell us you were a wizard?  
  
Narrator-- The Magic!  
  
Paul Jr.-- This bike, it's like it's telling me what to do.  
  
Narrator-- The Mystery!  
  
Paul Jr.: Hey Vin, you know why these people look like Cody?  
  
Narrator-- The Mayhem!  
  
Paul Sr.: Give us the port key thingy or I'll start busting skulls old-school style!  
  
Narrator-- This time on 'American Chopper'.  
  
Paul Sr.: Now how in the hell did we get to Merry old (expletive deleted) England!


	2. Magic Bike 1

Tuesday:  
_Shot of the OCC shop from across the road. Sounds of traffic. Semi-truck passes in front of the camera. It is mid morning. The next shot is inside. It's empty and devoid of activity.  
_  
Paul Sr.-- You know coming back from the Atlantic City show, it's exhausting but we always get a great reaction from the crowd down there.  
_  
Paul Jr. stands in front of an empty lift, drinking coffee_.  
  
Paul Jr.-- While we were in Atlantic City we were contracted (_Shifts to an English accent)_ by a right British chap (_shifts back into his normal speaking voice)_ to build a magic themed bike. While he wasn't too specific on the details, I've decided to borrow and expand on elements from Xanadu and the work of Boris Vallejo.  
_  
Paul Jr. and Vinnie are assembling the basic elements of a motorcycle together on a lift.  
_  
Paul Jr.: How's that lookin' Vin?  
  
Vinnie: It's coming together.  
  
Vinnie-- I'm not sure this 'Magic Bike' is doable, but if anyone can pull it off Paulie can.  
_Vinnie works on setting the motor in while Paul Jr., a few feet away is fashioning tapered metal sticks. Paul Sr. walks by to inspect the work being done.  
_  
Paul Sr. --You know, normally Paulie would sit around the first two days sitting with his hands under his ass, but with this project, I gotta be honest with you, he really seems to be giving his all.  
  
Paul Jr.-- On any bike I come up with ideas right up to the last minute, So right now I'm fabricating some basic elements associated with the whole magic-fantasy feeling I want the bike to have overall. I may or may not use all of the wands, stars, moons, and what not, but they're nice to have if and when those last minute ideas hit me like I know they will.  
_  
A stack of ten wands sits on a near by workbench as Paul Jr. sips his coffee.  
_Paul Jr.: Hey Vin. What if we cut out like stars on the rear fender and use fiber-optic cabling to illuminate them.  
_Vinnie stares in concentration, examining the bike.  
_Vinnie: Yeah that could work. I was thinking more like neon.  
  
Paul Jr.-- Vinnie's idea to use neon on the fender wasn't something I really thought of before. But the way it would shine on the tire I had to agree with him.  
  
Paul Jr.: Purple and yellow Vin, how'd you think that'd look.  
Vinnie: That'd look awesome.  
  
Paul Jr.-- The neon on the fender'll take a while and it'll have to be the first thing out the door, but I think the client will be really pleased.  
_  
Paul Jr. starts cutting out five point stars while Paul Sr. looms in the background.  
_  
Paul Sr.-- I'm hoping this is a shift in Paulie's work ethic, but if he should decide to putz along later, I've got a size twelve with his name on it.  
_  
The scene shifts Vinnie is now buffing out the star shaped windows in the fender. Paul Jr. is studying the front of the bike.  
_Paul Jr.: Hey Vinnie what about two of these wands for the brake levers. Sick huh?  
_Vinnie nods in agreement.  
_  
Paul Jr.-- Normally the Ideas for these bikes come in drips and drabs at first. But this bike it's like it's almost telling me what to do with it. It's a nice feeling. It means my father won't be riding so hard on my ass. (_Paul Sr.'s gaze is drawn toward Paul Jr.'s direction)_ At least for the time being.  
_  
Paul and Vinnie are now looking over the brake levers. The best way of replacing the traditional levers eluding them. The next shot is outside the shop. The sun is low in the sky.  
_Paul Jr.:(off screen) All right Vinnie let's get back on this thing early tomorrow.  
  
Wednesday:  
_Birds chirp in the morning air. The red-pink sky of a cloudy day shines over the shop_.  
  
Paul Jr.--I was happy with the work we accomplished yesterday but today I want to go full-bore on some of the ideas I came up this morning.  
  
Paul Jr.: Hey Vin I was pondering over some of these Ideas for the bike, I was wondering If I could have your opinions  
_Paul Jr. hands a piece of paper to Vinnie. He looks over Paul Jr.'s notes_.  
  
Vinnie-- Paulie's got a few weird ideas for this bike. I don't know of any bike with broom down-tubes or a cauldron speedometer housing. Certainly, this dragon's mouth headlight cover and the sword swing arm will be a challenge when it comes time to install them.  
_  
Paul Jr. flattens down two of the pre-fab wands on one side while Vinnie takes apart the braking mechanism. Paul Jr. drills holes into the flattened ends of the wands . Which are then handed to Vinnie who adds them into the reassembled brakes. Paul Sr. emerges from the office.  
_Paul Sr.: Vin phone. (_Vinnie leaves to answer his phone call. Paul Sr. goes over to talk with his son.)_ So, what do we have to show the client?  
Paul Jr.: The client's coming to see the bike?  
  
Paul Jr.-- It's a little unusual to have a client look in on the project so early in the game, but with the kind of money he's throwing at us, I'm not gonna complain.  
  
Paul Jr.: What up Vinnie?  
Vinnie: That was my wife, baby's sick and she wants me home.  
Paul Sr.: Vinnie go take care of your business, we'll be all right here.  
  
Paul Jr.-- The loss of Vinnie is going to be a hindrance but we've made enough progress that even alone I'm sure I could make the deadline. But it gives me an opportunity to bring Cody in on the project and show him some of the finer points of bike fabrication.  
  
Paul Sr.--You know, I'm glad Paulie's taking his time to show Cody some things on this bike, but to be honest with you I hope he doesn't pick up Paulie's work ethic.  
_  
Paul Jr. and Cody are seen in the foreground discussing fuel tanks in front of where they are kept. Mikey is seen sweeping behind them. Paul Sr. is pacing like a cheetah on the savanna waiting to pounce on something. It's at this point a flash and a bang pauses all activity in the building.  
A man dressed in black with a cloak that flutters, long blond hair and pale skin appears in front of everyone. He is holding a walking stick with a crystal top.  
_  
Lucius Malfoy (_Upper crust English accent_)-- I wanted my entrance to be a frightening thing. That way they can't lie.  
  
Lucius: I'm looking for Vincent DiMartino.  
  
Paul Sr.-- To be honest with ya, this trespasser was the last thing we needed. It just gives Paulie an excuse to drag his feet. And I gotta tell ya Siegfreid and Roy pulled off that trick better last time I was in Las Vegas.  
  
Paul Sr.: Hey Mr. (expletive deleted) Fancy-pants get the (expletive deleted) out of my shop.  
_Paul Sr. moves toward the interloper as if to strike him. It's at this time Vinnie returns  
_Vinnie: Just returned to get my What the hell are you doing here?  
  
Vinnie-- When I saw Lucius at the shop my heart stopped. I hadn't seen him since I was thirteen.  
  
Lucius: Vincent how wonderful to see you. It's been too long.  
_Vinnie puts his hand in his pocket.  
_Vinnie: Yes too long.


	3. Magic Bike 2

Thursday:  
_A light thundershower rumbles low over the shop. Inside the office Paul Sr. is rubbing his eyes with his left thumb and forefinger. Mikey is chasing two aspirin with a swig of Jolt cola.  
_  
Mikey-- I'm still puzzled over what happened yesterday. I mean one minute I'm here. The next I'm waking up this morning with a massive hangover. I'm still trying to figure out how I drove myself home.  
  
Paul Sr.-- I don't know what the hell happened, but it couldn't have happened at a worst time. The client's coming tomorrow and its times like these we need to be on the ball.  
_  
Down on the shop floor Paul Jr. and Vinnie are still throwing off sleep's vestiges. Vinnie blinks trying to adjust to the shop's fluorescent lighting. Paul Jr. stretches like a runner right before a marathon.  
_Paul Jr.: So who was that yesterday?  
Vinnie: Friend of my father's.  
Paul Jr.: The David Copperfield act, that normal?  
Vinnie: No, and the mugwort sleeping powder is a new thing too.  
_Paul Sr. grouchy as ever emerges from the office.  
_Paul Sr.: Hey Chowderhead get to work!  
  
Paul Jr.-- Yesterday we got behind on this project. I want to get a good start on some of elements that will make this bike stand out when it's flying down the streets of London.  
  
Vinnie-- We suffered a set back thanks to Lucius, but I highly doubt the client will care to hear our sob story tomorrow.  
_  
Mikey emerges from the office with a stack of out-going mail_. _Paul Jr. is crafting the dragon's mouth headlight mount. Vinnie is fabricating the broomstick down-tubes. Mikey returns a few minutes later.  
_Mikey: Hey Vin how's the little tyke?  
Vinnie: Doing better thanks.  
_Cody brings in the tank that was decided on the previous day.  
_Paul Jr.: Thanks Code.  
Vinnie: You're going with the fat one?  
Paul Jr.: What no good?  
Vinnie: No it's a different look than what I thought you were going for.  
_Paul Jr. puts the tank on the neck of the frame.  
_  
Vinnie-- Paulie and Cody chose a tank that I think is a little too large for this project. But I'll digress and wait to see what the client thinks.  
_  
Vinnie works on the cauldron housing while Paul Jr. begins working on the front fender.  
_  
Paul Jr.-- I'm taking the dragon from the headlight and extending it forward encompassing the entirety of the fender.  
_  
Vinnie sets the down-tubes in their place. Paul Jr. fits the headlight cover between the down-tubes.  
While Vinnie is fitting the cauldron speedometer housing, Paul Jr. is bolting the fender over the wheel.  
The shot moves to one of the clock on the wall. It says 5:30  
_Paul Jr.: (offscreen) Vinnie it's quitting time!  
  
Friday:  
_The sun beams down on the shop, reflecting off of puddles on the drive. Inside Paul Jr. and Vinnie are straightening up the work area around the lift. Cody passes by with broom in hand. He catches Paul Jr.'s attention.  
_Paul Jr.: Cody why isn't Mike doing that?  
_Cody shrugs his shoulders. Paul Jr. returns to what he was doing.  
_  
Paul Sr.-- With the client coming in today, I want the shop looking nice, you know. Make it seem at least like he's dealing with professionals.  
  
Paul Jr.: Hey Pops where's Mike?  
Paul Sr.: He's getting doughnuts or some (expletive deleted) like that.  
  
Paul Jr.-- With my father so obsessed with the client coming in today, it seems to me at least that Mikey should be here cleaning.  
_  
A loud buzz announces the arrival of someone. As everyone looks wide-eyed toward the door, they realize it can only be the client.  
_Paul Sr.: Somebody get the (expletive deleted) door!  
_Paul Jr. assumes the role of somebody. In walks a thin man with dark hair dressed in black button down shirt and slacks with same colored boots in the skin of some unidentified reptile.  
_Paul Jr.: Mr. Black welcome to our humble shop. Right this way.  
Sirius Black_ (English accent)_: Just Sirius thank you.  
  
Sirius Black-- I was impressed by their attentiveness. It's been a while since that amount of attention has been lavished on me. Of course this time I get to enjoy it.  
_  
Paul Jr. and Sirius make their way to the lift. Vinnie and Paul Sr. stand by the lift. Cody leans on his broom in the background.  
_Sirius Black: I like the dragon here. This is like the ones I've seen in books.  
_He looks over the rest of the bike. He glances at Vinnie as though he looks like someone he doesn't like.  
_  
Sirius Black-- I like Paul Jr.'s attention to detail. This is more than I could've asked for.  
_  
Sirius takes out a green datebook.  
_Sirius Black: So when can I expect to see the finished product?  
Paul Sr.: A month if numb nuts here can finish.  
Sirius Black: That doesn't seem to be a problem. Will you be exhibiting at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show? Just wondering if it's a bit forward to ask if I can pick it up there.  
Paul Sr.: Cleveland's a good crowd. We'll be there.  
_Sirius starts to write in his datebook. Before he can finish the mic guy trips into the cameraman who bumps into Paul Jr. He falls into Vinnie who in turn tumbles into both Sirius and Paul Sr. His plunge is the catalyst for Cody's nose dive towards the floor. Before that can happen, the plummeting mass of Humanity disappears. The second camera crew catches this on tape. A few minutes later Mikey walks in with doughnuts.  
_Mikey: Paulie, Vinnie, Dad?  
_At this minute, Christian walks in.  
_Mikey: Christian you seen Paulie, Vinnie, or my father?  
Christian: Sorry Mike I've been looking for Cody.  
Mikey: Thanks, hey doughnut?  
Christian: Sure ooh, lemon triangle.  
  
Mikey-- When Christian took the lemon triangle thingy, I was relieved. I mean these were the last dozen doughnuts at the bakery and nether Paulie Vinnie, my Father or I eat the lemon ones.  
_Mikey takes his doughnuts up to the office.  
_


	4. Magic Bike 3

_The camera points up at a ceiling full of cast iron pots and pans. A fire on one end illuminates the room. Uncultured rocks make up the walls, adding to a cave-like feel. The cameraman untangles himself from the Mic guy. They get up and the camera is then focused on everyone else. They are still confused as to what happened. They then push themselves off a long wooden table.  
_  
Paul Jr.: _(rubs his forehead)_ What happened?  
Vinnie: (_Grimaces in pain_) Best guess, we've arrived in England via port key.  
Paul Sr.:_ (looks around) _Now how in the hell did we get to Merry old (expletive deleted) England.  
  
Cody-- When we found ourselves in the client's basement all I could think is 'Mikey's gonna eat all the glazed twists.'  
  
Sirius: Oh great I've used magic in front of muggles.  
Paul Sr. You sure did Merlin. (_realizes something_) What's a (expletive deleted) port key?  
Sirius: It allows instantaneous transport between two points.  
Paul Jr.: Vin how'd you know that?  
  
Vinnie-- With the cat out of the bag, I just let the obvious out.  
  
Vinnie: Well um, well um, you see (_lowers his voice_) I'm a wizard.  
Paul Jr.: Vinnie! Why didn't you tell us you were a wizard?  
Vinnie: It never came up, and it wasn't a question on the W-4.  
  
Paul Sr.-- This magic thing that took us to the client's house was almost as shocking as the revelation that Vinnie was wizard. I had no idear that this was gonna happen this morning.  
  
Paul Sr.: Wait a minute, wait a minute, please before we're surprised, is there anything else you're not telling us?  
Vinnie: My real last name isn't DiMartino. It's Riddle.  
Sirius_ (Drawing out his wand) _I knew I knew you from somewhere.  
  
Meanwhile:  
_Shots of various shop walls indicate the lack of anyone working. Mikey is in the office fielding_ _phone calls._  
Mikey: (_On the phone_) No, sorry my father seems to be out for the day. I don't know when to expect him. He was supposed to be here when the client showed up. No, no indication that the client was here.  
  
Mikey-- With the mysterious disappearances of Paulie, Vinnie, Cody, and my father, it's dawned on me that I'm going to have to take the initiative and make sure things get done on time. That means I'm going to have to stroll down to the lower shop with my baker's dozen (_shakes_ _foot_) and make sure things continue to go smoothly.  
_  
Outside Mikey is strolling along down to the lower shop. He enters the door and everyone turns to face him.  
_  
Mikey-- I wanted to assert my authority. You know before any of them got uppity.  
  
Mikey: I just want you guys to know that with my father and brother gone for the time being I will enforce order around here.  
_Mike Campo throws a box, catching Mikey in the forehead.  
_Christian: Get out of here!  
  
Mikey(_Rubbing forehead_)-- Obviously, I failed.


	5. Magic Bike 4

_Sirius and Vinnie have wands pointed at each other in a Mexican stand-off fashion.  
_  
Paul Jr.--With Vinnie and the client about to go at each other, I knew what was about to follow couldn't be good._  
_  
Paul Sr.: Just what the(expletive deleted) is going on here?  
Sirius: This...man is the seed of the most vile creature ever to slither across the face of the Earth.  
Vinnie: What the (expletive deleted)? (_Shakes wand_) Now I'm being punished for what he did? I try to live a decent life. Wife, kid, two car garage, shiny used broom.  
I'm not him! I'm not Lord Voldemort! (_Sirius looks shocked at the utterance of the name_) Voldemort Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort,Voldemort, he's not the Candyman!  
  
Vinnie--I really wanted to make sure that Sirius didn't mistake my father's desires with my own  
  
Paul Jr. Vin, what's really going on here?  
Vinnie: My father, my real father I should say, was a major ass-wipe. When I was fourteen he tried to take over England.  
Sirius: He bloody well almost did it too! (_puts away his wand)_  
  
Sirius--I could see the son was truly different from the father. There's no question there.  
  
Vinnie:(puts away his wand) My mom realized what was happening when he made it clear he would sacrifice us both for his twin goals of immortality and world domination. Before it could happen though she and I ran off. That's how we wound up in Rock Tavern.  
Paul Sr.:(_sitting on bench aside the table._) Wow Vin that's...  
  
Paul Sr.-- It's weird you know, here he is, almost like family and now he's got these mind blowing secrets. To be honest with you, I don't know what's coming out of his mouth next.  
  
Paul Jr.: But I've known you all my life.  
Vinnie: I'm sorry about that. To make harder for people to find us we perform a false memory charm on the muggles that lived around us. The only one who didn't get the zap was dear old dad.  
Cody: Dad?  
Vinnie: Sorry Code, Tony Dimartino.  
  
Vinnie-- You know, now that I've told it. It feels good to have my story out there.  
  
Paul Sr.: So that's that? That's how you got here?  
  
Vinnie: No, I got here when he (_points into camera_) caused us to fall, and his (_points to_ _Sirius_) portkey was activated.  
  
Paul Jr.: OK, So how in the hell do we get home?  
  
_The next shot is of the inside of the OCC shop. Everything is covered in silly string.  
Mikey comes out of the office , falmingo pink streamers hang from his head like fake hairs.  
_  
Mikey-- We had half a case of old silly string from when Dad decided to throw Cody a little surprise party here at the shop. I thought with my dad gone I'd boost morale a little with a good ol' fashion string fight. (_Camera sweeps acroos the shop._) I think we may have overdone it.  
  
Mikey: Hey guys who's gonna help clean us this mess.  
Rick Petko: Sorry Mike we've got bikes to build.  
Christian: Yeah isn't that your job?  
  
_The Camera focuses on Mikey begining the long task of string removal..  
  
_Mikey(_imitating Rodney Dangerfield_ )-- I don't get no respect.  
  
_  
  
_


	6. Magic Bike 5

_  
Meanwhile across the ocean._  
Paul Sr. I'll tell you how we're getting home! Give us the Port-key thingy or I'll start busting skulls old school style!

Sirius: I'd like to help, really I would. This port-key is for a one way trip meant for emergencies. 

Paul Jr.: So let me get this straight. We're in England with no passport and not enough money to get home?

Cody: We could have Mikey wire us some money.

Paul Sr.: Do you really think that's a good idear. 

_At that moment:_  
Mikey takes a break from his partially completed string clean-up to play with a large brown paper sack.

MikeyWe usually get bulk items like spacers and brackets in bags such as these. And I don't care what my dad says. I can so fight my way out of a paper bag.

_Mikey takes the bag and places it over his head.. it extends down to around his waist.  
He starts punching the inside of the bag. He takes an overextended swing . His feet twirl and winds up on the floor._

Mikey: Ow!__

Back in England:  
Cody: Eh, you're probably right.

Vinnie: What about that crazy old galoot Luftwig on Knockturn Alley? Is he still in business?

Sirius: Not since the Ministry outlawed the manufacture, sale, and use of flying carpets.

Cody: Damn that coulda been fun.

Sirius: Trust me my boy. A trip across the pond is not one you want to make aboard a carpet. Especially one of Luftwig's dangerous contraptions.

Vinnie: His son fabricates them on Diurn Alley. I'll get you one next time I'm there.  
Cody: Thanks Vin.

Paul Sr.: (annoyed) Can we get back to the business at hand?

Sirius: Oh yes quite right. 

Vinnie: Floo Powder?

Sirius: The international links are down for their one hundred and sixty seven year inspections. 

Paul Jr.: What about a port key maker? They do have those don't they?

Vinnie: Cost prohibitive.

Paul Sr.: (growing agitated) I say we go to the American Embassy and explain our situation. 

Vinnie: Then I'll have the Department of Magical Diplomas, Diplomacy, and Regulations on me forever. You care to explain to them who my (expletive deleted) father was?

Paul Sr.: (still agitated) Right now i don't give a (expletive deleted) who your father is, I just wanna go home.

Paul Jr.: Hey Pops calm down, we'll work it out.

Cody: (singing) Everybody have fun tonight. _Everyone looks at him._ What? I though I would lighten the mood. Geeze. 

Vinnie: So Sirius how are we getting out of this mess?

Sirius: I guess we have no choice, we have to call Dumbledore.

Paul Sr.: Finally we're getting something done, I was wondering if you were going to do something or sit around on you're lazy asses like you do at the shop. _Cody looks slightly offended. _ Not you Code I was talking to the Stooges ever there.

Paul Jr.: Thanks Pop, I really feel the love.

Paul Jr.You know now is not the time for my father to be yelling. I mean it's not like its my fault that we're stuck here or Vinnie's for that matter.


End file.
